2K · Cult Films

Arnie, The Violent Poet

Arnold Schwarzenegger contains multitudes. Action star, 1970’s Mr Olympia, governator, upcoming host of Celebrity Apprentice. But he is also the vessel through which some of the finest action-film writers have funneled their genius. Much like Frank Sinatra, Arnie is not a writer but an amazing interpreter of material, in his case mostly pun-based insults yelled over gunfire/before murders/in front of explosions. His iconic Austrian accent was originally viewed by producers as a liability, to the degree that his first film (Hercules in New York) was entirely redubbed by another actor, robbing audiences of the pleasure of hearing Arnie intone immortal lines such as “Bucks? Does? What is all this zoological talk about male and female animals?”

Thankfully Hollywood learned its lesson, giving us the following classics, carefully selected by the Astor from the immortal pantheon of the Schwarzenegger canon.

After accidentally close lining a passing cyclist in Twins:

“I did nothing! The pavement was his enemy!”

Asserting his moral correctness in Jingle All the Way:

“I’m not a pervert, I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll!”

On unfair contracts in The Running Man:

“I live to see you eat that contract. But I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your goddamned spine!”

Objecting to criminal protections in the Miranda Act in Red Heat:

“I do not want to touch his ass. I want to make him talk.”

But of course Arnie’s speciality has always been the kill line. No Schwarzenegger character has ever found himself speechless in a post murder situation, no matter how bizarre the circumstances.

Impaling a man with a knife in Predator:

“Stick around.”

Throwing a man over a balcony in The Running Man:

“Give you a lift?”

Blowing someone up with a rocket in True Lies and/or performing Celebrity Apprentice hosting duties:

“You’re fired.”

Halving a man named Buzz Saw with a chainsaw in The Running Man:

“He had to split.”

Blowing up an ice cream truck that propelled an icecream cone to shoot bullet like into a man’s skull:

“I iced that guy, to cone a phrase!”

And last, but not least, every word uttered by Mr Freeze in Batman & Robin:

The Astor Theatre will be playing Predator and Commando on 2K

When: Friday the 26th of November

Price: $13

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